30 Aug

death2 Aspenrings


I Did It!

13 Jul

I did my first big thing all by myself.

I had the last minute opportunity to drive a car to someone in Aspen, Colorado and then fly back.

I didn’t take the time to think and just said yes. I’m so glad I did.

I’ve pretty much never done anything alone. I’m a partner, not a lone decision maker, but I made the decision without thinking and just went for it.

Next thing I knew I was on my way…alone.

Colorado is where I feel I am from, even though I’ve never lived there. I just feel so alive and so at home there.

I decided to take some of David’s ashes with me in case I got the sudden urge to scatter them someplace I felt was special since I love the place so.

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Continental Divide…the scariest place to drive EVER


Colorado simply takes my breath away.


The drive took me 15 hours to get from my home to Aspen.

I DID IT!  I never dreamed I could or would, but I did! I’m super proud of myself for taking the chance.

The Hell Test

26 Jun

I saw this today and found it very interesting. I haven’t read the whole thing because it’s super long, but I’ve skimmed around and find it thought provoking in light of my immersion again into living in The Bible Belt.


hell.n4 source


16 Jun

I have now been alive a few minutes more than my husband was alive.

I am now older than my husband, even though he was born two years before I was.

I never dreamed I’d ever be older than David.

I am now living the gift of more time.

I want to somehow celebrate these extra special minutes I’ve been given by actually getting out and living life to the fullest, but it’s hard to do without a life partner by my side.

I do not like to be alone.

David was too young to die.

Young people shouldn’t die.



A Realization

31 May

On Father’s Day, I will be 44 years, 3 months, and 13 days old.

That’s exactly how old David was the last day of our happy life together.

We had absolutely no idea that the next day he would suffer an aortic aneurysm and be taken instantly from me and the kids.


By the next evening, I will be living hours that David never got to live. Breathing breaths David never got to breathe.

I will be older than David ever was here on Earth.

The past 570 days since he passed away have been so, so painful. I have had some up, which I am very thankful for, but still live life mainly down. When will this ever stop? I can’t see living the rest of my life like this.

This is not the life I want.

I miss him so, so, so much.

So much pain.



That’s exactly how old David was the last day of our prefect life.

More Reflections

30 May

Chapter Two has come to an end….over religion.

In the process of coming to terms with it, I’ve read a lot of religious books and website as well as spiritual books and websites.

I’ve also gone to church to try to see if my beliefs can work within the church’s belief system. They cannot. I feel very strangled by the church’s beliefs. Too narrow. It just doesn’t resonate with me at all. I have a much broader view of what my life is about and how my spirituality is experienced. My vision is not a personified version.

I’ve learned a lot in the process of trying to discover what it is that I really feel and why, so I’m happy to have gone through this process for that reason, but for that reason alone. It’s opened my eyes, once again, to what really resonates deep inside of me.


I stumbled across this today written by Jim Palmer and liked it (even though I was told by a Bible Literalist that Jim Palmer takes creative interpretations on the Bible – ugh!!!! WHATEVER isn’t that what’s been going on since the beginning of the Bible stories???? It’s all about interpretation and already held cultural and political beliefs) http://jimpalmerblog.com/2014/01/05/the-difference-between-religion-and-jesus

“Religion says it’s about the afterlife.
Jesus says it’s about the herelife.

Religion says hold on till heaven.
Jesus said the Kingdom of God is here now.

Religion says confess your wrongs to God.
Jesus said make amends with those you have hurt.

Religion says judge people who don’t measure up.
Jesus said only those who are perfect can cast the first stone.

Religion says to appeal to God to bring change in the world.
Jesus said to be the change you desire to see in the world.

Religion says God will bring peace, joy, freedom and love into your life if you measure up.
Jesus said these realities are unconditionally present inside you in every moment.

Religion says look to God for help and healing.
Jesus said to be instruments of help and healing in one another’s lives.

Religion says rescue people from eternal hell and punch their ticket to heaven.
Jesus said to confront injustice and take up the cause of those who unnecessarily suffer around us.

Religion says to blame Satan.
Jesus said to take responsibility for the damage and destruction we cause in the world.

Religion says go to church.
Jesus said be the church.

Religion says read the Bible in a year.
Jesus said live one verse today.

Religion says there are “us” and “them.”
Jesus says we are all children of God.

Religion says be careful who you love.
Jesus said God is love.”


The historical Jesus appears to have been an awesome, socially challenging, enlightened man. I love how he challenged religion. I love how he challenged people to think for themselves and to believe in themselves.

Marcus Borg talks about two different Jesuses. The pre-Easter Jesus (the historical man) and the post-Easter Jesus (the one that humans made a religion out of in his name). I found this to be an interesting read. I like the pre-Easter Jesus. I do not like what people have done with the post-Easter Jesus and religion.

quote from Marcus Borg…

“I see the pre-Easter Jesus as a Jewish mystic who knew God, and who as a result became a healer, wisdom teacher, and prophet of the kingdom of God. The latter led to his being killed by the authorities who ruled his world. But I do not think he proclaimed or taught an extraordinary status for himself. The message of the pre-Easter Jesus was about God and the kingdom of God, and not about himself.

Rather, I see the grand statements about Jesus – that he is the Son of God, the Light of the World, and so forth – as the testimony of the early Christian movement. These are neither objectively true statements about Jesus nor, for example in this season, about his conception and birth. To speak of him as the Son of God does not mean that he was conceived by God and had no biological human father. Rather, this is the post-Easter conviction of his followers.”


The picture below is what I view God/Energy Source/Consciousness of the Universe to look like. It’s a blinding, beautiful energy filled with unconditional love. It is not judgemental. It does not demand fear. It does not demand being submitted to. It is not personified.

It’s a part of all of us and we a part of It. It is not something outside of ourselves that we must seek.


I view our human lives as the line extensions reaching out from this energy source.

We are all part of something much bigger. We are all connected to this Source and to each other.

The Source is part of each of us.

We do not need to “believe in it” to be connected.

We do not have to claim anything.

We do not have to submit to anything.

I also believe that when we die, we are brought back into the spinning vortex of Energy/Source/God/Consciousness and not taken to a place called Heaven or Hell. In my mind, Heaven and Hell are simply the lives we create for ourselves here on Earth (in “God’s Kingdom” which is purportedly here on Earth and in the now).


I know many, if not most, of my family and friends and strangers who read this blog are religious and do not share my same view and so this may sound like blasphemy to them, but it doesn’t to me. This blog is simply to fulfill my need to organize my thoughts and write them down. I want to be able to journal all of my thoughts and emotions in a safe place as I struggle through my second year of dealing with devastating loss.







Anger at Religion

12 May

I am agnostic.

I am spiritual.

I am compassionate.

I believe everyone is on a shared journey. A self discovery journey.

Our paths are like rivers and change directions as they flow due to experiences.

We constantly ebb and flow. We constantly change.

We need to constantly change. We need to grow. We need to experience.

There is no finish line to cross and accomplish. The path is open ended.

It’s a journey to be enjoyed and shared.

It’s about learning, loving and accepting.

No way is the “Right Way”.

No one way is the “Truth”.

Everyone is accepted.

To each his own.

No one is to be excluded.

We are all in this together.

Religion so often divides people.

No doctrine must be followed.

Nothing has to be proclaimed.

But I seem to be pretty alone in these thoughts here in Conservative Texas.




Grey_sadness_by_Saffella source